Swallowed by a whale. Dissolving away like Alka-Seltzer. Nothing
worked. I could not make myself disappear.
I peeked. I knew I wasn’t supposed to, but I did. Clearly, she had
erased herself. She was gone. She was serenity. Her lips faintly smiling.
Her golden skin. The glowing thread-ends of her hair. She seemed to
have been dipped in sunlight and set here to dry. I felt a pang of
jealousy, that she could be sitting next to me and not know it. That she
could be somewhere most wonderful and I could not be there, too.
Then I saw the rat. He had crawled out of the bag. He was sitting on it
much as we were, his front paws-I kept thinking of them as tiny hands,
they were so human-like-dangling before him. He, too, was not moving.
He, too, was facing the sunset, his pelt the color of a new penny. His
peppercorn eyes were fully open.
I knew it must have been a trick she had taught him, or imitative
rodent behavior. Still, I couldn’t help thinking there was more to it, that
the whiskered little fellow was having an experience of his own-which
might include digestion in a critter’s stomach if Stargirl’s fears came
true. As quietly as possible, I reached over and scooped him up. I held
him in both hands. He did not struggle or squirm, but resumed facing
the sunset with his tiny chin resting on my forefinger. In my fingertips I
could feel his heartbeat. I drew him closer to my chest. I dared any
varmint to come near.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for another try at
enchantment. I don’t think I succeeded. I think Cinnamon was a better
eraser than I. I tried. I tried so hard I almost squeaked, but I could not
seem to leave myself, and the cosmos did not visit me. I could not stop
wondering what time it was.
But something did happen. A small thing. I was aware of stepping
over a line, of taking one step into territory new to me. It was a
territory of peace, of silence. I had never experienced such utter
silence before, such stillness. The commotion within me went on, but
at a lower volume, as if someone had turned down my dial. And an
eerie thing happened. While I never did totally lose awareness of
myself, I believe I did, so to speak, lose Cinnamon. I no longer felt his
pulse, his presence, in my hands. It seemed we were no longer
separate, but were one.